1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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