Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
