The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
