so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
