'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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