At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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