Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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