overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
