Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
