You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
