You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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