I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
