i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you had me at cake vodka
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
