I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
