OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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