Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
