i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
