Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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