if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
