if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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