I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize