well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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