And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
