Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
