you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
