I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i permit you to call me
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
