Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
