Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
