Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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