This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
