Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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