if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm really busy with my period
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