ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
