and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
