his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
