i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
