im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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