My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
