I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
