So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize