She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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