she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
