I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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