Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
