glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
