I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize