capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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