happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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