The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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