I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
