Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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