My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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