His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
