i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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