my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
