I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
