What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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