My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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