She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
