im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
