my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
